Trick-or-Treating

Trick-or-Treating is one of the best holiday traditions EVER. Seriously, you guys. What's better than ToTing? That's right: nothing. I'd like to outline a few major U.S. holidays and their associated traditions just to prove that ToTing is the best one.

Holiday: Christmas/Hanukkah
Tradition: Get presents, have meal with family, make snowmen (tall or not-so-tall).
Analysis: Christmas/Hanukkah get the most press of all holidays. Why is this? Because you get presents. Kids love presents! But that's just the beginning. Generally, these holidays come with other events. Things like having to wear Grandma's sweater she bought you, going to a religious ceremony, etc. Kids don't really love these as much...
Awesomeness: 8.5/10

Holiday: New Year's Eve
Tradition: Stay up late, count down from 10, blow on noisemakers until your parents hit you.
Analysis: Sure, every kid likes to stay up late, and noisemakers are fun, but without the alcohol and kissing, what's in it for the little ones?
Awesomeness: 5/10

Holiday: Valentine's Day
Tradition: Buy a bunch of paper valentines from Walgreens to give to your classmates. Get candy wrapped in pink, heart-shaped boxes.
Analysis: Ugh, can anyone say they honestly enjoyed the valentine exchange in their elementary school? I mean, everyone got one from everyone else, so it was really no biggie. Unlike New Year's, though, this one doesn't get better with age, just more expensive.
Awesomeness: 2/10

Holiday: Easter
Tradition: Hunt for eggs, get candy, go to church in nice clothes.
Analysis: Easter egg hunts are great (provided you find ALL the eggs or use plastic ones). You also get candy again! This is looking like a pretty awesome holiday, so far. However, it's also another one of those holidays with religious attachment, so you gotta dress nice...
Awesomeness: 5/10

Holiday: Halloween
Tradition: Dress up in costumes, walk around neighborhood collecting candy.
Analysis: Here we go! Now we've finally found a holiday tradition that has all of the fun stuff with none of the obligation! You dress up in ANY costume (monster, Power Ranger, Barbie, frog...), walk up and down the neighborhood streets, ring doorbells, say three words, and have people put candy directly into your candy-carrying satchel! It couldn't be easier!!! Also, every now and then, you run into the Holy Grail of ToTing: The unattended "Take Only One" bowl.
Awesomeness: 10/10

See? It really is the best! These ratings are based on solid scientific document and evidence, of course, and based on them, it's plain to see why Trick-or-Treating is my Thing of the Week.

Next Week: I rank these same holidays from an adult point of view. New Year's Eve makes a surprising comeback!!!

Bubblers (Drinking Fountains)

I'm sure most of you reading this are thinking, "Seriously? Are you just picking random things now?" But hear me out, folks. I'm sure I can convince you just how amazing bubblers are. Before I do that, though, I need to clear something up.
Those of you from eastern Wisconsin will not bat an eye at the term "bubbler", having grown up with it your whole life. The rest of you seem to enjoy making fun of us for using a silly term. Well, guess what? YOU'RE WRONG!!! According to Wikipedia, Kohler invented a device in 1888 that put forth a fountain of drinking water, which they trademarked the "Bubbler". All other sources cite that the modern drinking fountain was invented in the early 1900's. Therefore, calling this device a bubbler is just as appropriate as calling your facial tissues "Kleenex" or your bandages "Band-Aids".
Now that that's out of the way, though, I want to talk about why these are great. To do this, I want to first have you close your eyes and imagine you live in... wait.... open your eyes back up. The whole "eyes-closed" thing doesn't work too well in a written blog... Nevertheless, imagine you live in a world without bubblers. You go to school, and when you get thirsty, what do you have to do? That's right, you have to go to the bathroom and fetch a cup of water from the sink. I know, it's horrible! How does the bubbler help? Let me outline it for you:

1. The water comes to you! First of all, you can position these bad boys in the hallways, outside, or anywhere! Secondly, and more literal, the water literally comes to you! bubblers are designed to project the water upwards (usually in an arc), which means you don't have to go as far to get your water! Additionally, this means...
2. You don't need a cup! Because the water is coming upward, you can merely put your mouth somewhere in the path of the water to get a drink. No more neck pain from trying to twist your head under a faucet!
3. Always cold water! True, this is not a feature of all bubblers, but most modern ones have their own cooling system. This ensures that you always get a refreshing sip of clean, drinking water.

All of these things lead to one thing: the perfect drink of water for that person on the go. It's the little things we take for granted, and it's the little things that are AWESOME! Chris Rodey likes bubblers, and so do I. That's why they're my Thing of the Week.

Next week: Two or tree tings: You kno', budgin' in line, drink beers and so...

Taco Bell

Scene: Interior station wagon. The drive to grandma's has not been a quiet one. The KIDS in the back seat can only watch so much Spongebob before they begin to rebel.

KID A (not the Radiohead album): Mommy! I'm hungry!

KID B: Me too!

MOM: I'm sorry, kids, but we're just a little too short on cash to feed you right now! (to DAD) What are we gonna do, Will?

Suddenly, a figure falls from the sky and crashes with a mighty crunch on the hood of the car. DAD slams on the brakes, forcing the car to spin out of control, finally coming to a rest on the side of the highway.

DAD: What the...

T-BELL MAN: Fear not, for I have come to your aid! I am T-Bell Man!!!

DAD: Well I hope you have good insurance, T-Bell Man!

T-BELL MAN: Ho ho! I haven't come to start an insurance claim, I've come to fill you up with delicious dishes that vaguely resemble things that may have once been considered Mexican cuisine!

MOM: That sounds great! (dejected) But we don't have enough money to buy such extravagant meals...

T-BELL MAN: Ah, but that's the beauty! My dishes cost next to nothing! Why, you can get yourselves painfully full without spending more than a few dollars each!

DAD: This sounds too good to be true... It must taste horrible.

T-BELL MAN: Actually, it's some of the best tasting fast-food around!

MOM: If it's that great, though, I bet the selection is poor.

T-BELL MAN: Our menu is actually so large, only one man in existence has eaten everything on it! We even have milk cartons!

KIDS (in unison): Oh boy!

DAD: Hang on a minute; there has to be a catch.

T-BELL MAN: Well... Our food does have a reputation of giving people certain... digestive... issues... But come on! Where else are you gonna find food this cheap?

KIDS: Come on, Dad, can we?

MOM: Will, the kids need to eat.

DAD: Oh, alright.

Cut to: montage of family buying and eating Taco Bell. Elation fills their faces as they devour burritos, enchiladas, tacos, gorditas, chalupas and cinnamon twists. When they've finished eating, they wave goodbye to T-BELL MAN as he flies away into the distance. The camera zooms out until the steaming, deformed car in the ditch is but a speck on the horizon.
END SCENE

Next week: The family fights over who gets to use the bathroom first at Grandma's

Sleep

First of all, I want to make a personal statement on lolcats: "They're always funny."
Second of all (and I'm getting quite near the end of my list, now) I'd like to talk about sleep. Unlike any of my other posts, I can guarantee that everyone has had experiences with sleep. We all do it, and (for the most part) we all love doing it. You can tell that we all enjoy it so much because what do people do when they don't get enough? That's right, they complain about it.

Sleeping is nature's way of telling us to slow down and take some time off. If we couldn't sleep, we would probably work ourselves into the ground, and life would generally suck. There is no better way to end a hectic day than by collapsing onto your bed and drifting away into dreamland.

Ah! Dreams! That's the other thing about sleep, isn't it? What can I say about dreams? Dreams are crazy. Mitch Hedberg (may he rest in peace) once said, "Dreaming is work, you know? There I am laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room... Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord!" There are hundreds of theories about what creates dreams, and what they mean to us. To me, it's really fascinating that this still remains one of the few natural phenomena that we don't understand. Nevertheless, the content can be blissful (and then inevitably disappointing upon awakening), terrifying, enigmatic, or just plain weird.

Oh! Oh! And Napping! Napping is awesome, too! There's really no better way to stick it to nature than to say, "I'm gonna sleep whenever I want!" It's amazing what 1 hour can do in the middle of the day for your energy level, too.

There isn't a lot more to say about why sleeping is so cool, but I can say one unfortunate drawback exists: waking up. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike life or anything, but who can honestly say that abandoning their warm bed in favor of a weary-eyed stumble to the bathroom is something they look forward to? 'Nuff said.

I know, I know... All this talk about sleep is making you tired, right? Well, go to it! The 2,900-some hours I spend sleeping every year are some my favorite hours, and that's why it's my Thing of the Week!

Next week: Sleepwalking (That stuff's just hilarious!)

Dodgeball

When was the last time you played dodgeball? That long ago, eh? Well, you've been missing out! Dodgeball is one of the simplest, most primal forms of entertainment. I usually start these entries with some sort of historical statement, but for dodgeball, I really have nothing. I suppose people have been throwing rocks at each other since they were cavemen, but I'm not really sure when the game part of it came in. However you slice it, though, dodgeball is fun.
Most people are introduced to dodgeball in elementary school. You'll have two teams, a certain number of balls, and mass chaos. Get hit with a ball thrown from the other team, and you're out. Kids go nuts over this game. "Chuck the ball at my classmates as hard as I can, you say? Ok!" However, it's not until they get a bit older that they start to see the subtle strategies of the game. Brute force and lack of restraint are important, but you must also be light on your feet, and quick with your hands. What makes this game entertaining is the second rule: catch a ball, and you get to bring back one of your players as well as getting the thrower out. It's a two-man swing! (...as an aside, I tried for many years to market my two-man swing, but there doesn't seem to be much in the way of a homosexual playground equipment market...)
The other cool thing about this game is its legacy. It seems that everyone has dodgeball-related memories, and it's always nice when we can feel nostalgic together. This is why it's surprising to me that it doesn't have that big of a presence today. Why has there only been one film about this noble sport? Why has there only been 1 American-released home-console video game devoted to this glorious pastime? Why are dodgeball leagues not sprouting up all across our country? The answer? Because it's a silly game. And that's why it's my Thing of the Week!

Next week: This exact same blog entry, but with 4-square.

Playing Cards

I love card games. I don't know a single person who's ever told me they didn't. In fact, playing cards have been an important recreational tool since the 9th century! Even our modern deck with 13 values and 4 suits dates back to the 15th century. The greatest thing about cards, in my opinion, is their flexibility. Not physical flexibility, but the diversity of games which can be played with them. Aside from maybe dice, there really doesn't exist an object that has so much potential for different activities in the field of gaming.

If I asked you to name 5 card games off the top of your head, you'd have absolutely no problem doing so. The same can probably be said if I asked for 10 or 20! You have games like War, Crazy 8's and Old Maid that are kid-friendly and luck-based. You also have games like Bridge, Hearts and Euchre, which are the basis for thousands of "Game Night"s and "Card Club"s around the world. You have games that range from 1 player, like Solitaire, all the way up to 10 players (with one deck) like poker. There might even be bigger games that I don't even know about.

What's the first thing you should always pack for vacation? Of course! A deck of cards! Portability is just another amazing feature of these games. Also, (even though it seems that all of my Things of the Week are this way) they're cheap! Thousands and thousands of games are at your fingertips for about $2. The list goes on and on for why playing cards are just so awesome. And that's why they're my Thing of the Week.

Next time: Watching Paint Dry (Contrary to popular belief, it can be quite riveting!)

Super Nintendo

Video games have always been a passion of mine. Ever since I grew up playing "Duck Tales" and "M.C. Kids" on the NES, I've enjoyed almost everything about computer entertainment. However, as time went on, I found that the industry started to develop values that differed from mine. In my opinion, too much emphasis is placed on graphics and presentation these days, and not enough on playability and fun. For that reason, I find that my favorite games to collect and play are games for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, or SNES.
After the video game crash of 1983, a lot of people had lost their faith in the industry. However, the Nintendo Entertainment System really turned this around by having quality games that were all licensed by Nintendo itself. By doing this, they built a reputation for themselves. This reputation only gained them more popularity in 1991 when they released the Super Nintendo to the world. By building upon franchise favorites like: Super Mario, Zelda, Metroid, Final Fantasy, and Donkey Kong, the SNES built a library of games that is still regarded as one of the best collections of video games ever. What I enjoy about the system, though, is what it represents today.
First of all, the SNES was simple, and there's a lot to be said about simplicity in games. Look at the controller above, first of all, it has 4 face buttons, a D-pad, and 2 triggers. Most systems today add to that 2 analog sticks (which act as buttons themselves) and 2 more triggers. Not to say that there's anything wrong with that, but it opens up the possibility of a game's control being too complex. Everything feels very natural with this many buttons, and I maintain that, although games today often do a good job of using their control schemes, the best games don't require you to use more than you see above.
Secondly, game development in the 1990's was focused solely on playability and enjoyment. When the SNES was launched, it found itself at the center of the video game Console Wars. What this meant is that you had to remain popular to survive. At the time, though, popular meant that your games were, above all else, fun. Graphics were part of the Console Wars, but gameplay was valued much higher than it is today.
So... what do you get when you combine elegant simplicity with gameplay-based development? You get what many people (myself included) call the Golden Age of video games. Many people argue that it's also the greatest system ever made, but I still can't decide whether it's the SNES or the Playstation 2. Either way, this system embodies everything I like about video games, and you can build yourself a great collection of games for a very low price ($1 - $15 for most games). Even as technological marvels continue to be produced for the modern systems, I find myself trolling eBay and Craigslist in pursuit of a larger library of games that are almost 20 years old. And that's why the Super Nintendo is my Thing of the Week!

Next week: Paper mills (oh, wait... that's for my other blog: Smelly Thing of the Week)